watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
