Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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