So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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