I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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