We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
