Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
