I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
