is your mom at the bar?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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