I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
