also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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