I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
