So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
