Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
