Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
God, I missed his penis.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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