Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I could fuck to npr.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize