just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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