Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize