Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You ruined the universe
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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