god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
