Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
