guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
