can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
