I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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