he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
"it" just moved
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
