Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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