you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
