Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize