Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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