He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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