I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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