I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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