Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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