i already hear my dad disowning me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
