I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
