If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh god it's open bar.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
