So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
