two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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