Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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