remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize