My first STD was from a foam party
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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