when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
