Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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