My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize