We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
