you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
