Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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