She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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