I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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