My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
