I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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