I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
