did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
