20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
