Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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