You can't special order awesome
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
