True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
