I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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