i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
