Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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