What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
