You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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