the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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