Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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