Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
