You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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