Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
